


22:50

by Justanotherwriter123



Series: Prompts [5]
Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 13:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanotherwriter123/pseuds/Justanotherwriter123
Summary: Spoilers for 4x06 and 17x07
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Series: Prompts [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065992
Comments: 5
Kudos: 109





	22:50

**Author's Note:**

> Writing has always been my way of expressing my emotions and after what happened on Thursday Night I needed to let that all out. I have never cried so much in my life...I don't even want to think about what will happen next week I just can't handle it. 
> 
> However, I have written this to try and take away some of the hurt that I still feel. 
> 
> I am not an angst writer so I apologise in advance...

'Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal' - unknown

Pain. That was all Carina had felt for the past few days. Her body hurt in ways she never imagined it could. She felt as it she was living outside of herself; living a life that wasn’t her own. Because this wasn’t how her life was supposed to be going. A dull ache radiated through her - it hurt to move, it hurt to speak, it hurt to breathe. Everything just kept circulating through her brain, every word, every movement, everything and the pain only got worse. 

It had been 4 days since her brother had died. Her little baby brother. Gone. 

4 days since Teddy and Owen had walked into the Chapel and told her the news she had never even imagined she would have to hear. It was like her world stopped as soon as they walked in. She could sense it before they spoke. Their bloodshot eyes, the way their heads dropped and the slowness with which they walked. He was gone. 

Her mind had blocked the whole world out, everything becoming blurry as she heard the words, “I’m so sorry,” before she was collapsing to the floor in both shock and grief. Maya had wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly but in the moment she hadn’t been able to process anything that was going on. 

They had stayed on the Chapel floor for hours. Carina wrapped in Maya’s strong arms as she cried and screamed. Her body had not stopped shaking as she rocked back and forth. She’d gone through at least two panic attacks but Maya had been there through them all. She hadn’t moved an inch, not dropping her hold on the brunette for even a second. Maya’s presence was the only comfort Carina had right now, because every other part of her life had been destroyed. She was empty. 

Maya had pretty much carried Carina out of the hospital, walking down the halls that her and Andrea had walked down. The halls were they had fought and bickered, were they had laughed and joked, the halls that she would now be forced to walk alone. 

When they’d reached home Carina had walked into the bedroom and closed the door, trying to shut the rest of the world away. Trying to erase the imagine of her hands covered in her brother’s blood away from her mind, trying to erase the numbness that consumed her entire body….but she couldn’t. 

She stripped her body of her clothes needing to be rid of any further reminder of what had happened and stepped under the warm spray but only seconds after being in she couldn’t tell the difference between the water and her own tears. They fell heavy and fast forcing her to grip the side of the wall to hold herself up. Her heart ached, it felt heavy in her body as she slid to the shower floor, her body racking with cries. 

Soon after, she heard Maya running into the bathroom and a small gasp falling from her lips. Her knees were pulled up to her chest tightly, making herself as small as she could be, wishing for the world to take her in and relieve her from this nightmare. 

Even though her head was buried between her knees she felt Maya get into the shower and wrap her arms around her. Carina could feel that Maya was still fully dressed from the wet fabric of her white shirt that was across her back, which only made her cry more. Carina rested her head down on Maya’s now wet shoulder and just held onto her as Maya whispered the first words that had been said since Owen and Teddy and walked in. 

“I’m so sorry Carina. I’m so sorry.” 

A days later, Carina hadn’t left the bedroom. She hadn’t said a word and Maya didn’t know what to do. She herself was still in shock over Andrea’s death. He had become a close friend of hers since she’d been with Carina and to have him ripped away from their lives just felt so cruel, hell it was only a day ago he’d said that she was his favourite girlfriend Carina had ever had, and now he was gone. But right now she had to push her feelings down and her own grief and focus on Carina. Carina was what was important - she had informed the department about her circumstances and thankfully they had told her to take as much time as she needed, with no rush or pressure for her to return which was one less thing she had to worry about. 

She had tried to get Carina to eat, to drink, to sleep, to do anything but all had failed. They’d sat in the shower until the water turned cold, both had cried, although Maya had done so quietly so she could hold Carina, not wanting her to have to look after her or even remotely worry about her. 

Since, then Carina hadn’t cried. She would just stay in bed, the covers up to her face staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t know how to talk to Carina, she didn’t know what to say or what to do, she didn’t even know if she should say anything because nothing she could say would take away the pain the brunette was feeling and she knew that. 

She’d tried to distract herself - she cooked untouched meals, cleaned the untouched house and washed untouched clothes. Although, most her her day was spent sat outside her bedroom door. She would sit there for hours just waiting for Carina to come out and say something. Anything. Even if was to cry. Maya just wanted to know what was going on inside her head to try and take away some of the pain. 

By day three Maya was at a loss. Carina hadn’t slept all night, scared of what would happen when she closed her eyes. Scared of the images that her mind would conjure up and haunt her with - so she didn’t sleep. She refused to close her eyes. As long as she was awake she could continue to live in a reality where everything would be okay, where she still had her person, where her life was how it was supposed to be, where she wasn’t broken beyond repair. 

Maya had been pacing the hallway for the past 10 minutes trying to figure out what to do. What to do to be there for her girlfriend, she just worried that she wasn’t enough…

She couldn’t leave the house to try and run some of her anxiety away and her brain was running at a hundred miles per hour yet she was trapped by the four walls of the apartment. So, she went into the spare room to change into some athletic gear, she put on a pair of her running shorts and tank top and grabbed a pair of weights from under the bed. 

She walked into the back end of the hallway near the lounge so she could still see her bedroom and indirectly keep an eye on her girlfriend even if she couldn’t see her. 

She started off with the basics, sit-ups, squats then moved into a few more ab exercises slowly feeling the tension leave her body as she worked her muscles. She then picked up her weights and began doing sets of curls until her arms began to hurt; the emotional stress beginning to build itself up again. It was the pure pain of wanting to help someone that you didn’t know how to help. The pain of seeing someone you love so much and not being able to take it away. 

She brushed away her tears and settled herself into a push-up position needing to physically exhaust her body in hopes it would over-power the emotional pain. As she was on her tenth one she felt a presence in front of her, she had to do a double take to make sure it was real and not her mind messing with her. Carina was stood in front of her, dressed no less looking down at her. 

Maya scrambled up from the floor, but words seemed to fail her as she looked into brown eyes. She didn’t know what to say to her. What do you say to a person that had their whole world ripped away from them? There was nothing she could say. 

They just stared at each other - brown into blue, until Carina opened her mouth. 

“He’s gone,” she cried. 

Maya let out a breath, she hadn’t realised she’d been holding and rushed forward holding Carina her arms. 

“I know….I know,” Maya whispered, stroking Carina’s hair. These were the first words that had been said in what felt like forever. 

“It hurts Maya, it hurts so bad.” 

May’s heart shattered all over again, hearing the strain behind the woman’s voice and the desperation caused her to only hold onto to her tighter, feeling like if she let go Carina would crumble infront of her. 

“I’m so sorry I can’t take the pain away from you,” Maya whispered. 

“I want to scream until my throat hurts because it won’t go away. It’s never going to go away,” Carina cried into Maya. 

Somehow they both ended up on the floor, with Carina resting her head on Maya’s stomach, their legs forming a 90 degree angle with their hands interlocked between them. Maya running her spare hand through Carina’s hair, trying to distract herself as well as Carina as they lay in silence. Both their eyes bloodshot and their bodies exhausted. 

“You know my mama said that me and Andrea were two halves of one whole. But, now that I think about it - I think she sent me you because she knew that you would be the only person who could be my other half…That one day, I would be left alone. She sent me you to make sure I was never alone, to make sure I was loved…” Carina whispered. No one would ever be able to fill the hole Andrea had left but Maya was the only one who could stop the bleeding. The only one who could keep her going. The only one who could even begin to try and help her survive. Another half to her whole.

“Whatever you need. I’ll be here. If you need to cry, or scream, or shout. I’ll be here. If you want me to make you laugh or to smile, I’ll do that too. I love you so much and all I want is take all your hurt away. I will never compare to Andrea, I know that. But, I will do everything I can to help you because I love you. I love you so much Carina. I just- I love you,” Maya replied, feeling her own tears begin to form again. 

Carina lifted her head from Maya’s stomach and pushed herself closer to the blonde and settled herself back down right next to her so they were millimetres away. 

“We take it one step at a time?” Maya whispered. 

“One step at a time,” Carina replied with a nod. 

This wasn’t going to be easy. She doesn’t know how she is ever going to recover, but what she does know is that she has Maya. She knows that no matter what happens Maya will be there to catch her, to hold her when she cries, to tell her she loves her when the world comes crumbling down and she feels like there is no way out. She has Maya. She just had to take it one day at a time…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This broke me in so many ways and I will always love Andrew DeLuca and the relationship he had with Carina. They were only getting started and the fact that Carina doesn't even know he has died makes me want to cry all over again. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing okay....even though I think I can say as a collective that we aren't over it yet.. 
> 
> See you next time...


End file.
